This is just a quick one, to update everyone who cares (which, I realize, is a far larger number than I had suspected….. Thanks for that! :) ) It will be pretty stream of consciousness, but as I promised in terms of transparency and honesty: “there will be little or no humor in this one.)
Down: I’m definitely having a tough time on this road. I’m getting more and more prone to anxious outbursts, and have real fear of driving friends away.
Down: I have fears that, in the long run, I will have to give up my current employment, and accept a lower salary for stress and anxiety reduction in my life. This, especially, unfortunately is a bit of a vicious cycle, as it will cause a large amount of stress for pretty much four people I consider good friends, now, and refers back to that “fear of losing” friends….
Down: The “Christmas Season”, which was already a touchy area for me is incredibly bad this year, for all these reasons: Crowds, terrible drivers on slick roads, and anxiety about “getting it all done,” regardless of the fact that all my loved ones are giving me a lot of space to pretty much do very little, and are working to make it even easier for me. There will nevertheless things that drop out, or are delayed.
Up: I had a really lovely day yesterday with some very good friends, including my former roommate Matt, our friends Tim and Laura Steakly, and, of course, BFF/Mental Health Queen Bee Jane.
Down: All the excitement from that wonderful day drove me manic by the end of the day, causing me to act in ways that made me concerned about that first topic of “scaring friends away.”
Down: All the anxiety caused by crowds, lights, and loud music is making it impossible to see some of my valued friends, and enjoy my “regular haunt” social scenes, which is pretty depressing for me right now. It’s also causing me to miss a Birthday party for friends who only come back to 303 from Texas for a few days, this time of year.
Up: They understand my situation, and why I can’t be there.
Up: For various reasons, I can now return to Denhac, on at least a limited and controlled basis. Denhac is the first Hackerspace I helped found, and was involved with.
Up: Really interesting things are happening in the area with regard to Hackerspaces, largely due to work by my good friend Scott Converse, but, I feel that my own efforts deserve some credit, which I feel pretty good about.
Up: I still feel like I’m on the correct path.
Up: I’m in the (measured, only slightly anxious) process of registering “confidenceandpanic.com” to specifically blog about these topics, and return “Shapewerks.com” to it’s “regularly scheduled” entertainment/viewing. (#humor #truth)
Down: It keeps getting harder than I expected.
Up: All of you.
Down: Clearly, “quick” was a misnomer. I have a lot more on my mind than I had thought at the beginning of this post